My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
