Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
