I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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