Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
