god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
