So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
