You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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