he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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