I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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