I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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