I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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