Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
