I think my fart just growled at me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
