Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
