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I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
