So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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