he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
