im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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