My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
