i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
