so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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