dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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