I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
