remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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