I think im going to throw up on grandma
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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