Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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