Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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