Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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