How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
