Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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