I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
