last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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