There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
