New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
