last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Sober January is a disaster.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
