So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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