We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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