When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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