So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
