I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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