I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
