I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
