Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
