new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
