from now on my penis is your penis
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
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