WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
