Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Drunk is a universal language darling
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