that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
