I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
