I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
