so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
